I wrote this piece while listening to & in relation to the song Isolation by Abbey Glover.
Healing isn’t linear, neither is time though. I think I know why the hairs on Einstein’s head were always sticking up now, he was always thinking: I have a few or more thinking hairs that always seem to be sticking up too, I just don’t ever stop thinking.
There are nights I stay up listening to the same sad playlist seeking the hope of refuge and peace within my own arms.
There are nights I study French.
There are nights I do everything I’ve ever wanted to do.
Then, there are nights I find myself staring at the ceiling imagining that I was staring at the stars.
There are nights I toss and turn and find myself sobbing uncontrollably for hours on end.
Then, I take it from the top: in my head, I’ve already traveled the world, I’ve fallen in and out of love, I’ve experienced life, death, friendship, kinship, I learned every language, and I’ve experienced every life I ever could have imagined for myself.
Sometimes, my imagination gets tired though.
I think I might just be getting a bit tired too though.
Sometimes, I feel as if I’ll lose my mind at this rate.
I’ll go back to the drawing board though, let’s see what we can devise next.
Perhaps Dante & Virgil will have some insight unto this matter.
Then, you remember—you bought a copy of Dante’s Inferno, and the shades of Vermillion Red in your sclera,
Suddenly return to white because when you were smoking a cigarette before you went back inside of Barnes & Noble, someone drives by and yells “faggot” when they could have just kept driving.
& that’s the reality we actually live in.
And, maybe that’s one of the many reasons why it’s so hard to smile sometimes.
I think I’d rather stay enveloped in the warm embrace of my imagination because it seems that even on the warmest of summer days, it feels like I should be wearing a sweater.
It’s okay to not be okay, but sometimes it feels as though all the love I pour into myself is just making up for the cruelty and hatred others bare in their own heart.
& in all honesty, my heart aches.
-Signed,
A Heart that Never Stops Beating, & A Mind that Never Stops Thinking
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Written: July 6th, 2023 …this was how I felt in July, the photo of myself is from then too. And somehow it is now suddenly September 18th of 2023..
I’ve lost track of time before, the amount of time tends to vary. Sometimes it’s seconds, minutes, days weeks, months, and even years. I’ll share as much of it as I can remember or recall though…writing seems to help. I’m pre-disposed to Schizophrenia, and I’m at age of onset, and my symptoms have only progressed.
Last year I experienced my first hallucinations, they were auditory, visual, and sensory hallucinations: they were scary. I hold onto the memories of what was once real with dear life, they’re like my silver linings..my safe space. & they keep the darkness away-sometimes.
There may very well come a point in time where I won’t be able to decipher what is real and what is not. Until then, I will try my best to share some of the most sane moments of life I’ve experienced, some of the saddest of songs I’ve listened to, and the endless amount of life I’ve experienced in such a short amount of time.
I will share my life with you.
I turned 28 this year in August.., I’m happy to have made it to 28. I hope each day brings you joy and happiness, it’s the best thing we can do for ourselves.
JustStayQuiet 